ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
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My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge