Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
You Might Also Like
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now