“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
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wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
*Inspirational Tweets*
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”