Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
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My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
#StillHurts
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Not now. I’m deglazing.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung