I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
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Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Blew out my flip flop…
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices