[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
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Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
What a chick magnet..
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be