Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
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If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
adam and eve had first world problems
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”