my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
You Might Also Like
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Stop it! 😂