“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder