I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
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“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?