trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
You Might Also Like
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
your elf on the shelf was delicious
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air