*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean