2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
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email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).