I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
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Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
B
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.