Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
You Might Also Like
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My Plans 2020
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.