Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
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i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
.. do you even science?
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.