I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
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me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
A man of commitment.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it