I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
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[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Somebody’s lying.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”