A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
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Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold