My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
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My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single