“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
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*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
🐕🍷
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves