2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
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every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.