[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
You Might Also Like
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
no one ever comes back
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*