If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
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I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Never forget.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable