[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
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Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
This was my dad’s browser history.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house