I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
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The eighties were great except for all the spinning right 鈥榬ound like a record.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don鈥檛 want to have them.
5: I don鈥檛 want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They鈥檙e a lot of work.
Me: Then why don鈥檛 you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fianc茅 called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 馃檹
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire鈥o you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn鈥檛 the same driver as the last time.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it鈥檚 like being at the zoo but you don鈥檛 feel bad the whole time
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
You don鈥檛 love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards