Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
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“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I can’t stop watching this.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.