It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
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Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.