I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
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So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
pictures of spider-man
The best plant holders?