You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
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My birth announcement for our third baby
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
me: my friends:
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.