The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Finally
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no