STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
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me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
How it started How it’s going
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”