*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
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im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.