Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
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I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan