When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
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(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Awesome parenting 😂
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Sharon I have some bad news
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*