“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
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Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”