commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
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72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.