[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
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me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.