the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
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Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.