Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
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17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager