I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
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Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.