I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
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My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Social Media and Real life
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok