me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
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I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I need better friends
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.