Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
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[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Don’t snitch tag.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.