7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
You Might Also Like
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
🙀🙀🙀😹
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
🤣
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.