“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
no one likes gloating
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”