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[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I think they could have phrased this better
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!