If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
estão todos miauvindo?
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me