That’s classic.
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Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I’m not stressed
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
i think we should see other cousins
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.