I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
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There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Every photo I’m tagged in
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Finally, an explanation.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell